


A Boy and His Treehouse

by chalkdealer



Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck (mentioned)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Attempted Sexual Assault, Child Neglect, Dammek is a flirt, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Jude is a kind of a bitch, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Violence, joey and jude are twins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:09:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23668162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chalkdealer/pseuds/chalkdealer
Summary: After Joey is sucked through the portal to Alternia, Jude finds a deer-antlered troll named Dammek and demands answers.Note: This story will have made-up/non-canon events, places, objects, etc. for the sake of the story.
Relationships: Dammek/Jude Harley, Dammek/Xefros Tritoh, Joey Claire & Jude Harley, Joey Claire & Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 8
Kudos: 145





	1. Chapter 1

There's a huge flash of green and red light coming from the house. The light illuminates my glasses and makes me have to squint to continue watching the trails. Up the green trail I look and _is that Joey?!_

Before I could think (or look at the red trail of light) I was down the ladder of my treehouse and bolting through the yard. I dodged through all of the black and green monsters crawling and flying throughout our yard, getting into the house with only a few cuts and bruises.

I ran through the living room and up the staircase, giving a half-hearted glance at the pictures that were strewn across the wall. Joey had made sure to take down as many photos with Dad in them as possible, leaving most of them to be pictures of us when we were younger. 

I take a right when I reach the upstairs floor and run up the stairway to the attic, seeing that the door was partly cracked open. I swing the door open but then prop myself against it with my hands on my knees, huffing for air. That was the closest thing I've gotten to exercise since the time Langly (that bastard) tried to escape a bath last summer. After catching my breath I immediately look up and see quite an interesting site.

There was a boy on the floor, at least I think they're a boy? Maybe they, better yet, it doesn't even have a gender. It sat there staring at the inactive entrance to the portal, not facing me. It had human hair and a human body shape from what I could tell but most notably it had _horns._ But not the kind of horns you'd find on a rhino or a bison, the horns were tall and somewhat resembled deer antlers, and they had a bright orange, striped pattern to them. It seemed like it was tall, it's long legs were sprawled out in front of it as if it had fallen. 

"Uhh, hey?" I said, trying to get it's attention, "Hey uh, I don't know who or what you are but, um, I-" I cut myself off when it turned around to face me. 

It was wearing sunglasses? So maybe it's more civilized than I originally thought. It also had pale grey skin, not the kind of grey skin that dead people are described to have, like _grey_. Of course the look couldn't have been finished without the creature's scarily pointed fangs.

Everything that happened after that was so fast.

It jumped up at me, yeah it was definitely tall, and ran towards me. It shoved me against one of the attic walls, making me knock over piles of Dad's findings and making my glasses go lopsided on my face. I felt something cold and uncomfortable be placed against the side of my head as I stared into the darkness of this creature's glasses. _I'm being held at fucking gunpoint right now._

"Who the _fuck_ are you and _where_ the _fuck_ am _I?"_ It's breath smelled horrible, like burnt metal and some sort of horrible off-brand soda you'd buy at a cheap drugstore. I opened my mouth to respond to it but all that came out was a choked whimper. I hadn't realized how much I was shaking until now, I was practically vibrating against this wall as the creature stared now at me. I guess I don't have to refer to it has 'it' or 'the creature' it definitely had a male voice and it's body structure was masculine. 

"Don't give me that whining bullshit! I want to know where I am right now so I can fucking _leave!"_ He emitted what sounded like growl, the kind you'd hear from a bear or a mountain lion.

Once again I opened my mouth to speak, this time my body worked in my favor and I was able to choke out some words. "Y-you're in my house? In Colorado? Shit wait I don't know if you're even from Earth-"

"What the fuck is a Colorado?" The musty smell on this guy's breath is starting to get unbearable, I have such a strong urge to cover my mouth but that isn't really an option wit a gun pointed to my head now is it?

"Colorado is um, it's uhh," fuck I need to stop stammering over my words "it's a state? In the United States?" He gives me a strange look, or at least I think he does from what I can interpret. "United States? What is that? Your planet?" Now I think I can get somewhere with this guy. "No no, my planet is Earth. I'm guessing by your question that you're not from Earth?" 

The guy shakes his head and loosens the grip he has on one of my arms. "No, I'm from Alternia. By the looks of you and these god awful paintings around here I'm guessing there's more of a difference between us then just the planets we come from."

I give him a nod that seems a bit too quick and forced smile. "Yeah I guess so. Look we should talk about this. Y'know, who you are, where my sister is, why you're here, how you're here, all that. But preferably I'd like to do that without a gun to my head." Instead of responding he just stares at me, he keeps staring to the point it's getting a bit uncomfortable. 

I think for a minute of something to say but right before I speak up again he finally replies,"If I let you go how do I know you won't try anything?" In response to this I pull my right arm from his grip and lift my left one in sync, putting my hands up in the 'I surrender' sort of way. He seems to get the message and slowly brings down the gun from my head, a lingering coldness and throbbing pain from where it was pressing into my skull.

He backs away from me and moves to the side a bit to give me space to move out of the weird pathway of garbage he created when he shoved me into the wall. I feel a wave of relief wash over me when I see him place the gun in the pouch of his hoodie. I rub my shoulder blade in a poor attempt to make the throbbing pain there fade. The guy stands and stares at me while I do this, making me stop almost immediately.

"What are you?" He asks. The question seems like a fair one to be honest, I probably look as weird and off-putting to him as he is to me. "I'm a human, and you are?" "A troll." A troll huh? Not exactly the kind we saw in a fairytales that lived under bridges but this kind seems a lot more appealing.

"Using my power of assumption I'm going to take a gander and guess since you're here on Earth, my sister must be on your planet Alternia?" The troll boy nods. "Yeah that seems reasonable. But what the hell is a sister?" I look at him for a second. Just because he's an alien creature doesn't mean their race wouldn't have siblings would it? Oh god wait how do I explain this to him?

"A sister is umm. In your circumstance let's say your troll parents have another troll baby along with you and the baby is a girl, that would be your sister." He gives me an even weirder look than before. "Parents? Baby? Sister? What're all these stupid fucking terms you're using? Are you trying to fuck with me?"

Now I'm the one to give him the weird look, "You don't know what parents are? Or babies? Wait do you even _have_ parents?" The troll sighed and crossed his arms, tucking one of his large claw-like hands in the crook of his arm, "If I _knew_ what you were talking about I wouldn't have asked. No I don't have 'parents' and what the fuck is a 'baby'?"

I blankly stare at him and his large form for longer than I should've before I responded. "That's probably the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Man and I thought I had it bad having to be raised by my babysitter." For a second I think I see a look of shock cross his face when I swear, I mean yeah I get it, I don't really seem like the type to go around using words like 'fuck' or 'bitch'. Most people expect me to slip out a 'golly gee' or 'jeepers' when faced with any sort of dilemma, but no that's Dad's thing to do, not mine. 

I figure I should probably explain some of this to him so he isn't sitting here staring at me like I'm insane for the next however long we're going to be up here. "Okay so parents are two people, a man and a woman, and they are basically your guardians who take care of you until you reach a certain age." The boy is nodding with his mouth pressed into his fist, I think he's understanding!

"So these 'parents' of yours are basically just your lusus, and for some reason you have two of them." I clap my hands together and nod, "I have no idea what you're talking about but yes, if you're understanding that's good." The troll seems to do a head movement that insinuates he just rolled his eyes at me. Good, this is good, we're getting somewhere and he seems to mildly have a sense of humor.

"Okay human, if your species has these 'parents' then where are yours?" I let the question sit with me for moment before I answer. I don't entirely know myself. I mean I know that Mom is dead, that's a given, but what about Dad? He could be dead and we'd have no way of knowing, not that Joey would care. He could be anywhere right now, so I don't really know where he is per-say, "Well my mom is-" The troll cuts me off before I even get four words into my explanation.

"I'm stopping you right there. Don't use terms I don't know to explain something I already don't know to me, it just makes life harder for us both right now." I sigh and rub the bridge of my nose, pushing my glasses up a bit in the process.

"Okay so with parents there's a mom and a dad, a mom is the female guardian and a dad is the male one. My mom is dead, she passed away when me and my sister were only babies. My dad is alive but he's never here, his job is exploring the world and finding new things so he's hardly ever around."

The deer-horned boy gives me a blank expression, an appropriate response to the word vomit I just spewed at him. "At this point, I'm giving up on learning your stupid Earth terms. I just want to figure out why I'm here and how I get back." I nod at him and give him a small smile, this time a real one. "You read my mind, let's get out of here first though, the dust in here makes me sneeze a lot after awhile." Instead of giving some sort of snarky comment as a response the boy just slightly nodded his head and headed for the open door that was illuminating the room with yellow light.

I never thought I'd say this but for once, I really don't want to investigate this one.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jude and Dammek discuss a few things and as the sun sets a very uncomfortable situation for little Judy occurs.
> 
> warning: this chapter contains descriptions of anxiety attacks and blood stuff so if you're triggered by that sort of thing I recommend you skip paragraphs 5+6

The walk down from the attic was a bit odd, with the troll boy's large antler-like horns hitting against the door-frame which resulted in him staring into a corner and covering his face for almost five minutes. I thought about how to approach the topic of 'hey, what the fuck is up with your _everything_ ' in the least rude way possible during his weird five minute wall makeout session but turned up empty. Once he finally turned away from the wall and faced me I swear I could see some weird orange tint to his face, _what the fuck?_ We get down the main staircase with ease, he didn't knock his head into anything this time so I guess that was a win.

On our way down I had decided the kitchen would probably be a good place to settle for our little intervention thing. But as soon as I set foot in the kitchen one of those black and green monster things jump at me! It jumps at me with enough force to knock me flat on my ass, _god this guy probably thinks I look pathetic,_ a little thought echos in the back of my mind. I quickly shake it off, why the hell would I care what some random alien boy thinks of me? Easy answer: I don't.

I get pulled out of this mental battle I'm having with myself by a loud BANG going off and startling me. I come back to my normal consciousness and notice the monster in my lap that had attacked me was fucking _dead._ I quickly scurried backward from the corpse, throwing it off of me so fast that it hits into the wall, splattering green sludge around where it hit. I take a closer look and see its bleeding from a small hole in it's head. I look up and see the troll boy standing there, staring down at me, while holding the same gun he was holding against my head minutes prior. _Wow no puzzles or games or anything like that with this guy huh? He really just pulled out a gun a shot the damn thing._

I scramble to get up and to avoid making eye-contact (or I guess indirect eye-contact) with this guy I start swiping at my sweater, trying to get as much of this gross monster blood stuff off of me before it left some weird unwashable stain, though I think this stuff could be interesting to study or add to my collection of weird shit in my treehouse. I make a mental note to later get a vile and fill it with the weird alien brain goop after all of this planet-swapping chaos is over and done with.

I rush into the kitchen eagerly trying to get away from the body, even if it is some alien monster with cool neon-green blood I've always been really queasy around blood and corpses. Joey always mocked me for it, saying how ironic it was that I couldn't stand blood but my main interests were cults that sacrificed people by the day and ghosts that were literally floating dead people. I've always tried to defend myself, saying how it was different and that she wouldn't understand, but in the back of my mind I've always known it was pretty stupid. One time when I was 12 I actually tried subjecting myself to looking through dad's hunting pictures and all the _samples_ he'd gotten from it. All I remember about that day was that it was the first time I'd ever had a full-on anxiety attack. I remember opening a box full of blood samples and seeing all the labels on them, halfheartedly stuck on with smudges of blood around it. I was stupid enough to take one out and hold it in my hand, I'll never forget the cold feeling I'd felt when I realized what was in my hand.

The bottle fell from my hand and had shattered on the floor, me falling down with it. My leg had rolled over into the blood puddle, some of the glass shards stabbed into my calve. I remember the worry voices of Joey and Roxy calling out to me asking if I was okay because they had heard something break. But I couldn't move. I couldn't take my gaze away from my blood covered leg. Everything felt like it was spiraling, my body had started shaking and trembling, causing more glass to push into my leg. I didn't even realized I'd been crying until I felt Joey hand on my face wiping away my tears. Roxy cleaned up the mess and Joey took me downstairs to clean my leg and bandage it. That was the last time I'd gone into the attic since today.

"Hell-fucking-o? You in there? Goddammit I don't have the patience for this shit today," I was snapped out of my thoughts by a large gray hand waving in front of my face. Jeez I hadn't even realized I'd spaced out for that long.

"What? Oh, uh, yeah I'm here. I just spaced out I guess," I said nervously, scratching my neck. The troll boy made a grumbling sound and walked further into the kitchen, sitting himself at one of the stools at mess-covered table. I followed in behind him but instead of sitting I decided to be a gentleman and clear off some of the mess. Neither me nor Joey liked doing dishes or taking out the trash so that resulted in an overflowing sink of dirty dishes and garbage bags upon garbage bags worth of loose trash scattered around the entire kitchen. I hated cleaning more than anything (well not anything, blood and corpses is still way up there) but right now I'd rather deep clean the entire manor then have to face this guy sitting at my table. So that exactly what I started doing, starting with the chinese takeout boxes all over the table and floor.

"What the hell are you doing? Are you some sort of rustblood butler now?" The edge in his voice makes me feel a bit on edge, is he gonna do something to me if he realizes I'm avoiding him? 

"A what?" I question, hopefully if I distract him with questions he won't call me out anymore. Now I'm starting to gather cups and plates and placing them in the sink.

"A rustblood? Are you seriously that fucking dumb?" He seems pretty annoyed by my apparent stupidity, what am I supposed to do? Lie to him and hope he doesn't noticed and shoot my head off?

"I have no clue what you're talking about so I'm assuming it's some sort of alien thing, enlighten me," I'm hoping me asking for an explanation tides him over for a bit while I distract myself with doing a mountain of dishes taller than Mt. Everest. 

"I don't know how you don't know about this but okay," he seems to either sigh or take a deep breath, I honestly can't tell. "Rustbloods are the lowest tier of bloods for trolls, having a gross burgundy shade to it, completely unappealing to anyone."

This catches my attention. "Wait, trolls have different blood colors? What color is your blood?"

"Okay first of all, rude, you don't ask someone who you just met what their blood color is unless you're a royal or some shit like that," he does another one of his sigh-breaths. "I'm guessing since you're appalled by this idea that you humans don't have different colored blood, weird. But regardless, the hemospectrum from lowest to highest goes: rustblood, bronzeblood, goldblood, limeblood, oliveblood, jadeblood, tealblood, blueblood, indigoblood, purpleblood, violetblood and fuchsiablood. I'm a bronzeblood, so I'm still considered scum but not as low as a rustblood."

"Jesus Christ that was a lot of words, also a lot of labels, so I guess you live in some sort of ultra-racist society." The soapy water I'm using to clean these dishes is starting to burn my hands but I honestly don't care all that much for some reason.

"Uhh, yeah I guess you could say that, you don't? Like I guess I'm not one to judge but there no way in hell there's a society of beings like you who aren't segregated over something."

At that I laugh a bit. "Oh yeah we're segregated alright. Mostly by gender or skin color. Sometimes by religious beliefs, uh, sexuality, how smart you are, all that good stuff."

"That doesn't seem like good stuff at all," is he being serious? "Actually all of that sounds pretty fucking stupid to me. I mean skin color, really? Just give everyone the same skin color and you're fine. Sexuality? What the hell even is that? It sounds dumb."

"I, uh, was being sarcastic, y'know about the whole, uh, 'good stuff' thing, and uhh," I feel my stomach churn at the idea of talking about this, I shouldn't have said anything I'm so fucking dumb. "sexuality, yeah it is pretty dumb isn't it?" I let out a chuckled but then cringe at how obviously forced it sounds. I'm vigorously scrubbing at the cups and plates in the sink, trying to capture my mind into something, anything else. It isn't until the burning water on my hands becomes too much that I noticed I've speed-cleaned every dish in the sink. Well so much for my master plan huh?

"Holy shit, if I knew humans could clean so quickly I'd have come here a lot sooner just to hire one of you for my hive." He seems humored, maybe talking to him face-to-face won't be so bad? 

I turned around from the sink, wiping my wet hands on the backs of my pants. I lock eyes (or at least I think I do) with him, for some reason I want him to take off those stupid sunglasses, maybe then I'd actually understand how he's really feeling and be able to respond accordingly. A thought crosses the back of my mind that maybe that's why he wears them, to block out how he's really feeling so people won't be fake with him, people like _me._ I shake the thought from my head, that's his business, not mine. I come over and sit on the stool beside his, making sure to pull it an extra foot away from his so it wouldn't be weird or something. 

"So, uh, since I guess we're going to be stuck with each other for the time being we'd better get acquainted with each other," I nervously go to scratch my neck again but instead wince and pull away, the skin there is raw due to this being a reoccurring habit. "My name is Jude, Jude Harley."

The troll looks at me for a second, as if soaking in the information then he speaks, "Dammek. My name is Dammek." He doesn't give a last name like I did but the way he so bluntly said his name, almost stating it, said all that I needed to know. This guy's name is Dammek and that's all, no fluffy add-ons or anything like that.

I look down at my hands, knotted together in nervousness. I notice the yellow-pink tint my hands had from the setting-sunlight coming from the window was growing dimmer and more purple. Shit it's getting late, where is this guy gonna sleep? Wait do these aliens even sleep?

"'s getting late," Dammek said, less of an observation and more of a statement. "I'm guessing that sleeping is still a ritual here on Earth right?"

My words caught in my throat so I only nodded, he seemed to get the message and stood up. I watched him turn into the livingroom, waiting until his entire form was gone from view before I started to get up to follow behind.

"Uhh, you could sleep in my sister Joey's room, wait no that's weird, um, you could sleep on the couch? Wait fuck, that's rude, uhhh, you could sleep in my room?"

Dammek is staring at me with the same blank expression he's given me before, only this time it feels more judgmental, "Do you have a recuperacoon around here somewhere or do you have some other weird sleeping confinements?"

"We have, uh, beds? They're like a big box of compressed cotton in a wooden frame and it's covered in blankets and pillows," Dammek nods at this, he doesn't seem to be rejecting the idea so I think we may be good to go.

"Wait were you telling me to sleep in your 'bed'? Where the hell are you supposed to sleep then?" I feel that familiar tight-stomach feeling come back, how do I get out of this? I don't want to have to think about some random alien guy sleeping in my bed.

"I, uh, I'll sleep on the couch, no biggie," I walk to a nearby closet to start pulling out spare blankets to show him I was being serious. "My room is upstairs, the door with all the construction tape on it."

Dammek stands and stares at me for a moment longer before nodding and heading upstairs. I hold my breath until I hear the door upstairs open and close. Breathing out a heavy sigh, I flutter one of the blankets over the couch and grab another to cover-up with. This will probably be the most uncomfortable nights sleep I'm ever going to get. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all enjoyed :0)  
> planning to try n' update more but idk


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jude finds a little friend and Dammek gets a bit on the touchy side with Jude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> use of f-slur
> 
> also fair warning this is where the internalized homophobia and stuff comes in so

Saying that was the worst nights rest I have ever gotten in the history of forever would be an insultingly big understatement. The stress and realizations of everything that's happened in the last 24 hours is really starting to sink in. _My sister got sucked through a portal to another planet and I'm stuck here with no one but a murder-prone alien who could kill me at any given time._ Man my life is so fucked up.

I kept waking up last night, whether it was from an uncomfotable position I was in or if it was from anxiety-induced dreams I was having. After the fourth time this happened I looked at the time and saw it read **5:03AM.** Sighing in defeat I got up and walked into the kitchen, a good and warm feeling washing over me when I see the clean kitchen. Man it hasnt looked like this since we were like 8 or 9.

I didn't really have an apetite especially when I turned the corner of the island-table thing we have and saw the dead, winged monster from last night (that now had several glass shards protruding from it) with beautiful, poor, sweet Frohike in his mouth. How did I not notice this last night? I resited the urge to vomit and leaned over the sink, trying to calm down my rapid breathing, then an idea came to my mind. This creature was relatively small and, from what I could tell, had died on impact from smashing through the window. So could Frohike be-?

I see a small flutter out of the corner of my eye. _Frohike!_ Beautiful, brave, sweet, strong Frohike! I immediately got on my knees, avoiding the glass, and pried open the monster's mouth. It seemed that only one of the monster's teeth had actually pierced through Frohike's skin, thank god, but his right wing was noticably broken along with his left leg. I carefully removed him from the beasts mouth, making sure to give a petty kick to the already dead corpse. 

Faster then you could say 'Jude what the fuck is wrong with you?' I had Frohike's wound under a warm stream of water in the sink. No blood. No blood. It's fine. I just need to bandage him and..wait what do I do about his leg and wing? Do they make bird casts? If I brought him to any doctor around here they would for sure put him down. No, I can't do that besides Tesseract he's all I have left. Wait, is Tesseract okay?! I saw her run into her doghouse when the monsters attacked but is she okay? Did any of the monsters get to her last night?

God I feel so irresponsible. Monsters invaded my home, my sister is on another planet, and all I did was make casualties with an alien, do the dishes and go to bed? Who the hell am I anymore? Absolutely not an honorable Harley man. Not that I ever was, Dad always made it clear how disappointed he was in me. I always tried to impress him, be the strong man of a son he probably wanted out of me (Joey had a theory that Dad actually hates kids and that's why he left us after Mom died) but to no avail. I based my entire livelihood around everything he liked, mysteries, conspiracies, monsters, anything that I thought would make him do less than a secondhand glance at me before he disappeared for another year or two. I guess it's kind of dumb to fret over what my deadbeat dad thinks of me but in all honesty, he's my rolemodel.

Joey's was Mom, but even the beautiful actress she was just wouldn't work for me. I didn't want to be a 'girly boy', I wanted to be a man, I wanted to be able to look fear in the eyes and tell it to fuck off. But that didn't happen. None of it did. Joey always told me how proud her and Roxy were of me, that I didn't need Dad's approval to be who I wanted to be. But I did, and I still do. I'm Jude Harley, if I was confident enough to not need Dad's influence in my life I would've taken Mom's last name along with Joey. All I am now is a wannabe Harley, a weak, no good excuse for a man. Not even a man, a boy, I'm just a scared little boy who doesn't know shit about anything but acts like I know everything.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a cough behind me, someone clearing their throat. I turn around and there he is, the deer-antlered boy from last night. "What the hell are you doing to that feather-creature?" He was pointing towards Frohike who was still firmly in my grasp and giving me a terrified look. I sighed and turned the water off, grabbing a papertowel off of the rack beside me and using it to apply pressure to Frohike's wound. "He's hurt. There's a first-aid kit ontop of the fridge somewhere, could you grab it?"

Dammek gives me a confused look and turns to look around himself. "The fucking what?" Using my free hand I facepalmed and groaned in annoyance, how can he be this stupid? "The refridgerator? Behind you?" He turns around and I hear him mumble a quiet 'oh' under his breath. He was weirdly tall for someone who I assumed to be around my age so he literally could just see the entire top of the fridge. After a moment he finally handed me the fairly obvious box that read 'FIRST-AID' in big red letters. The good thing about this box is that it's an animal specific first-aid kit so I should be able to find exactly what I need in here. It's times like these I wish that I hadn't taken Joey's veterinarien skills for granted, I could really use her help right now. 

After a few minutes of Frohike's pained squawking and Dammek standing and watching me struggle, not saying a word, I think I've done it. I bandaged up the bite mark and made clumsy makeshift casts for his wing and leg, it wasn't the best and it probably wouldn't work but it's what we've got for now. I grab one of the large bowls I cleaned yesterday and put Frohike in it so he could rest, I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of putting him back in the treehouse, at least not for right now.

"I'm hungry," said the alien boy who I had forgotten was still standing there. "What?" Right after saying that I feel dumb, that not a confusing thing to say why did I say that?? Aghhh! "I said I'm hungry," Dammek looked around eyeing the partially-opened cabinets around us that were obviously empty, "and by the looks of it, there isn't much to eat around here."

"Oh, uh, yeah sorry for that, we haven't gone shopping in awhile. We were actually planning to go today but, y'know, all that stuff happened last night." I started scratching my neck again, I need to break this habit honestly. "Then lets go shopping." For a second I thought he had to be joking, I mean, he got transported to a different planet less than 12 hours ago and the first thing he's saying we do is go shopping? Is he crazy? I was about to force out a laugh but the deadpan look on his face said that he wasn't joking. 

"There are so many things wrong with 'us' going shopping," I was rubbing my temples to show him my obvious annoyance. "Like what?" He was standing with his arms crossed in a way meant to show that he was just as annoyed. "What the hell do you mean what? I don't know if you realized but humans don't have huge orange horns or gray skin, if we go out into public someone's gonna call the cops and they're gonna send you to some fucked up science lab in California where they're gonna torture you and experiment on you until you die. And I really don't wanna deal with the galactic repercussions of an alien dying on a foreign planet and it being my fault." 

Dammek stared at me for a long moment, he really loves doing that huh? "I'm flattered that you think anyone from Alternia would even notice my disappearance, let alone start war with another planet over my death. I don't know if you remember me telling you but I'm a bronzeblood, I mean nothing, I have no purpose, I would be culled on sight if I was even in a 20 mile radius of a highblood," He unfolded his arms and walked a bit closer, leaning against one of the counters, "From what I can tell, if all humans are like you, you all are nowhere near as hostile and violent as trolls. I'll be fine going out somewhere, I have firearms on practically every part of my body. We're going shopping, get ready."

And with that he left the kitchen, I can hear his footsteps going back up the stairs where he came from. "You can't shoot anybody! That's illegal!" I called after him. "I'll do whatever's necessary for my survival!" He called back. I sighed and left the kitchen to follow him upstairs, I knew he had to have gone back into my room. I get up there to see him tying up these large black boots, they looked similar to the hunting boots my dad always wore, how did I not notice he was wearing such loud, heavy boots? 

Well I guess that doesn't matter, but what does is this grimy sweater I'm wearing. It was all crusty and wrinkled from water drying onto it after I did the dishes last night, gross, I needed to change it. I awkwardly shuffled over to my dresser in the corner of my room and pulled open the drawer. I didn't have much variety in my clothes like Joey did, fashion wasn't really my thing, though I did have a few favorites. I pulled out one of them, a white t-shirt with a stereotypical green alien head on it along with big bolded text across the bottom that read 'I BELIEVE'. It was stupid and I guess that's what I loved about it, Joey had gotten it for me on our birthday a few years back. She had gotten it a few sizes too big so I could 'grow into it' but sadly I didn't get much bigger since then (other than in the gut) so the shirt was still baggy on me. But I liked it that way, I've never liked my body so baggy clothes or clothes with thicker material were ideal for me.

I nervously glanced over my shoulder at the troll boy behind me, now lacing up his other boot. A small thought crossed my mind as I looked at him and then back to my shirt, _heh I guess aliens are way different than we thought huh?_ Shaking my head at my weird sense of humor with a small smile, I set the shirt down on the top of the dresser. Okay if I just change my shirt really fast he won't notice right? Plus we're both guys so it shouldn't matter right? Right. Right. It's not weird. He's just a guy. It's not like I'm gay or something, and from what I can tell he defintely isn't either, he's too manly to be some fag who likes other guys' dicks. Wait why am I thinking so much into this? I'm just changing my shirt.

One deep breath and- up over the head, the bottom hem of it that was tucked into my pants became loose and the dirty sweater falls to the floor. I immediately go to grab the white shirt resting on the dresser but then- "You've got a nice form." I froze in my place, hand hovering over the shirt on the dresser, _wait is this guy gay?_ "I- what?" I turn my head over my shoulder to look at him. There wasn't any sign of him looking flushed or anything, still the same blank look he's always had. 

"I said you've got a nice form, and a nice ass too, didn't notice that before." How was he saying all this with such a straight look on his face? What the hell is his deal? "I- um what the hell? Why're you saying all that?" He cocked an eyebrow at me and flopped down on his back, looking at me upside down. "Because it's true? Do people telling you things about yourself make you uncomfortable or some shit? If so, sorry I guess. You've still got a pretty nice ass though." I was at a loss of words after he said that. Telling me things about myself? Does this guy not know what blatantly flirting with someone is? He has to right? Some weird troll-flirting thing? Whatever, this isn't going to bother me, it isn't. 

"Though it did sound like you were kind of confused. Possibly as to what I mean? Ooh do ya want me to explain it to you?" I shuddered uncomfortably and grabbed the shirt off the dresser. Before I could bite back at him with a 'defintely not' he was already continuing his weird rant about my body. "You've got a nice back angle, nice inward curve, also you don't have grubscars but that leaves room for your nice curves that blend well with your hips. You've got a really pretty body, especially for an alien." I pulled the shirt over my head with force and whipped around violently. "Look Dammek, I don't know what your deal is but I'd appreciate it if you didn't sit here in my bedroom patronize me about my body. I don't know what sort of homo intentions you have but it isn't happening, so stop staring at my ass and start thinking about what you're wanting to eat and what your plans are to get home because I don't plan on being around you any longer than I have to, got it?"

He stared at me with his same blank stare, but this time I think I saw a bit of hurt in it. "Wow I didn't peg you as the sensitive-asshole type." I looked up from tucking the shirt into my pants and locked eyes with him. "Excuse me?" He did something different this time, he smirked at me, the sort of smirk only a snobby prick would give you. "You heard me, you're a sensitive asshole. A cute sensitive asshole but a sensitive asshole nonetheless. Also what the hell is a 'homo'? Some weird human insult?" 

I gave him a bewildered look, do they not have gay people on Alternia? Wait no, scratch that, they obviously do because this nutjob was just talking about how he loves my ass. Maybe they have a different term for it? "Uh, homo is short for homosexual which is a term used to describe someone who wants to fuck someone of the same gender as them." Then Dammek did another new thing, he laughed. "You-you guys have a _word_ for that? That-that's so fucking dumb I can't-" I rolled my eyes at him, he really is a nutjob.

"Whatever, if you want food follow me." I grabbed my wallet off my nightstand and started leaving. I hear him jump up off my bed and scramble after me. "Yes sir Jude Harley sir, lead the way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know frohike is dead but jude needs a friend
> 
> and dammek is not it
> 
> yet


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys go out (almost)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long to get out-  
> i had typed out like half the chapter but forgot to save it so out of anger and pettiness i didn't immediately rewrite it
> 
> ALSO
> 
> ANOTHER REMINDER THAT THIS STORY HAS EXTREMELY [NON-CANON] PEOPLE, PLACES, EVENTS, ETC.

I stumbled down the stairs with the holy douchebag himself, Dammek, stepping on the heels of my shoes ever other step. At one point he literally almost shoved me down the stairs which I'm pretty sure he did on purpose so he could have an excuse to grab my hips and pull me against him. Fucking creep. I get to the front door and then stop, remembering why all of this happened in the first place.

"We can't leave," I said turning and looking up to face him. "Excuse me?" He had a nasty look on his face, one I wanted so bad to slap right off his finely sculpted facial structure. "We cannot leave, there are monsters all around the yard, it's impossible. Looks like poor little Dammek is gonna starve." I smugly turned and started to walk away towards the living room, ignoring the fact that in Dammek starving I myself was also starving. I could stand to lose some weight anyways it'll be fine.

"I am NOT letting some dumbass monsters prevent ME from fucking eating," I hear from behind me, then the click of a gun getting ready for fire. At that I turn around to face him, hand on the door and a gun in the other, "I'll be back in a bit, then we're LEAVING." He opens the door and slams it behind him. Jesus Christ, talk about having a passion for food.

As I'm standing there I remember something Joey had brought up, _"Should you try calling your friends or something?"_ , my friends! At the time I didn't want to risk their involvement in this situation but right now I _really_ need to talk to someone, who isn't the alien asshat shooting monsters in my yard, about whats happened over the past 12 hours or so.

I clamber upstairs and back into my bedroom, sitting myself down at my desk and powering on my computer. Due to Dad's successful career I have a pretty good one, works pretty fast. Soon enough the loading screen fades and I type in my password (which will not be said because it's a super duper big secret!!) My homescreen loads up soon after, my amazing Star Trek wallpaper! The new one, Star Trek: Generations, recently came out and I was totally psyched to see it! But now even the amazing memories of Patrick Stewert and William Shatner's brilliant acting can't calm my brain down. 

I open up my Pesterchum app and look through my friend's contacts. No, no, no, no. Hmmmm. Who can I trust with this information? Hmmmmm, oh wait I know who.

galacticGladiator [GG] began pestering  calciteSalesman [CS] 

GG: Hey I kind of really need to talk to someone right now, if that’s okay with you?

GG: I know you’re probably off with MG or something but I trust you more than any of the others with this information.

CS: yooooooo, judeth my mans!! hell yeah you can talk to me!!~

CS: also u really trust me?

CS: bro,,

CS: im welling up w tears :’)

GG: You’re so dumb, of course I trust you, I talk to you about everything!

CS: oooh yeaaaah like ur boy problems???? ;)

GG: We’ve been over this; I, Judas Claire Harley the first, DO NOT have “boy problems.”

CS: whatever u say man, one day you’ll meet some hottie dude and then you’ll come clamberin to me like “oh my dear sweet best friend in the whole wide world u were right about my boy problems for i have met the love of my life and now i am here to complain to you about him like the dumb fucking tsundere i am”

GG: I would never in my life ever say anything remotely close to what you just said. And you know I am highly AGAINST that gross lifestyle (save for you and MG though I guess.)

CS: aw man don’t bring up me n MG that shits all sorts a complicated. he’s like u all up n against the homosexual lifestyle :(

GG: What? Correct me if I’m wrong (which I am never), but didn’t you guys totally mack each other’s faces a few nights ago?

CS: yeah :(((( like i said, it’s all kinds a complicated, pretty sure he’s like you with that shit

GG: Like me? Incase you have forgotten me and MG have absolutely nothing in common.

CS: yall arent as different as u let on sometimes yknow

CS: pretty damn similar if you ask me

CS: yknow with the whole “internalized homophobia cause of my shitty ass dad” thing

GG: Ex-fucking-cuse me? My dad is a well-known professional adventurer! And I most definitely do not have “internalized homophobia” that just sounds stupid!

CS: whatever man, anyways, enough about hot guys and ur obviously hidden gay life, what were u wanting to tell me about? :D

GG: Okay this is going to sound fucking crazy but hear me out, okay?

CS: u got it man i got alllllll day :)

GG: Okay, here it goes.

GG:Solastnighthesebbigscarymonstersattackedmeandjoeyandinsteadoffollowingheripussiedoutandranintomytreehousethenjoeygotsuckedthroughaportaltoanotherplanetandwasswappedoutwiththisalienguywhosatotalassholeandwontstopflirtingwithmeandmakingmeuncomfortableandidontknowhowtodealwithitandimveryconfusedandscaredandiwanttocryandijustreallyreallyneedahugrightnow

GG: ...

GG: CS?

GG: ...

CS: sorry man took me a sec to decipher all that shit

CS: woah man

CS: thats

CS: a lot

CS: are you okay?

CS: i can always bum my step-dad’s jeep and drive a couple hours if you need me

GG: As nice as that sounds I already know you’re in deep shit with your step-dad right now and taking his car isn’t going to help that. Also I wouldn’t want to make you put up with me and my shit or this alien dude and his shit when you could be getting high and watching porn or whatever you do.

CS: okay dude

CS: first off

CS: yes im in deep shit with my step-dad and yes i could totally be getting a banger high on right now but i will do whatever the fuck it takes to make sure ur cute little ass stays safe (not flirting, bro talk)

CS: also i do not “watch porn” i simply admire the physical structure of hot dudes in a somewhat sexual way

GG: Okay whatever, my point being you need to stay where you are, at least for the time being. Honestly I’m kind of surprised you’re taking me seriously. I know MG wouldn’t.

CS: knowing who ur dad is and all that crazy weird shit that goes on around u guys an alien showing up on ur doorstep doesn’t sound that impossible 

CS: though the weird monster creatures u were talking about kind of sound farfetched 

GG: Yeah sure I’ll remember to send you a picture of one of them

CS: :0 really????

GG: No.

CS: aw :(

CS: anyways

CS: this alien dude

CS: i

CS: is

CS: is he hot?

GG: Yep and that’s where this conversation is ending. Have a nice day. Goodbye

galacticGladiator [GG] ceased pestering  calciteSalesman [CS]

CS: aw no judey dont be that wayyyy :(

CS: :(((((

CS: ughhhghasgdoahecnkw fine

CS: im gonna pester u later to make sure ur good tho k?

CS: k

calciteSalesman [CS] ceased pestering  galacticGladiator [GG]

That guy is impossible sometimes. But he's the only person I have the guts to trust with my feelings. He knows stuff I don't even tell Joey, re: the "ur boy problems" incident. I can't really blame him for being that way though, he's told me before during one of our late-night vent sessions that me telling him about my "boy problems" (WHICH I DO NOT HAVE) was helpful for him to be able to deal with his own problems, re: the asshole step-dad incident. 

I'm snapped out of my train of thought by my door slamming violently against my wall, the little bouncy wall door-stopper thingy only barely stopping the door handle from smashing into my wall. In the doorway stands a very disheveled Dammek: sweating, panting, green blood goop all over his clothes, hair messed up, sunglasses a bit lopsided. He was a complete fucking wreck. Now I've never considered myself to be the fashionista, beauty guru type but I'm pretty sure I can tell when a dude needs a change of clothes and (infuriatingly enough) I am the one who's going to have to supply that change of clothes.

"I just worked my ass off cleaning your yard up and calming your lusus down, I think my acts of chivalry deserve to be rewarded yeah?" I honestly can't believe this guy, he just probably got the absolute shit beat out of him and he just killed a bunch of monsters and all he's thinking about is food? Still? Wait did he just say my lusus?

"My lusus? Wait, Tesseract? She's okay! Good, good, good. But what's not good is your fucking clothes. You have to change those if you're going out into public, especially with me, now come 'ere." I stand up from my desk and motion for him to come near me. "Damn you want me to strip? Didn't realize we were there yet." He finished his sentence with a vomit-inducing wink that I could actually see due to his lopsided sunglasses.

"Ha ha ha. You're so funny. Now come here or you're not getting anything from the store." I stood with a hand on my hip like one of those angry moms from those sitcoms Roxy loves to watch. At the mention of 'store' he immediately came and stood by me, at attention, almost like some sort of weird army guy. I turned and started to rummage through my dresser. I'm not so much worried about finding him a shirt that fits as I am about pants, I have plenty of big shirts that don't fit me that would be perfect on him, not so sure about pants though. I've always been relatively short and being short means you have short legs and having short legs means you have short pants and so on. Basically, I'm too short for any of my pants to fit Dammek. 

I pull out one of my biggest shirts, one that MG got me for my birthday last year as a gag gift saying that I'll 'finally be a man when it fully fits me.' It was just one of those weird Target dad-joke shirts with some lame fish pun on it that I don't care to remember. Perfect, a stupid shirt for a stupid guy. I throw the shirt at him, being sure to hit a spot that wasn't drenched in green goo, "I'm gonna go find you a change of pants, in the mean time feel free to change into that."

I left the room quickly as to escape before he made some flirtatious remark in response but I guess I failed because as I'm turning the corner I hear something about me 'really trying to get into his pants.' That pervert wishes.

I make my way around the corner and into (what used to be at least) Mom and Dad's room. Dad only wears that dumb cargo outfit on all of his adventures so he has plenty of his actual clothes in here, i.e. jeans, dress pants and..booty shorts for some reason? Maybe Mom's stuff got mixed in with his, at least I'm hoping that's the case. 

I pull out a pair of faded blue jeans with rips and dirt stains in the knees, yep these are most definitely Dad's. I make sure to snag one of his several belts off the dresser before leaving and shutting the door behind me. Me and Joey sort of have this unspoken rule that Mom and Dad's room is to be left looking untouched, even if we go in there and take something, you have to make sure it looks completely untouched by the time you exit. 

Venturing back to my room I notice the goop stained hoodie on the floor but..also his pants? Gross! He couldn't wait until I got back? I walk all the way into his room to see him..sitting at my computer?! "Hey jackass, out of my desk and hands OFF my computer RIGHT NOW!" I ended with chucking the belt and jeans at his face, "What the hell do you think you're doing touching my things?!"

"Chill, chill. I wasn't trying to piss off Mr. Pissypants, someone messaged you on your messenger client thing so I just decided to help you out by responding so we could leave faster." He stands up out of the chair and starts the pull the jeans on, his foot getting caught in one of the knee holes the first leg through. "You fucking WHAT?!" I immediately rush to my computer, _please let it be CS please let it be CS._ I scroll up and see the chumhandle on the screen:

magnumGeopolitician 

Oh god oh fuck oh no why him? Why him? WHY HIM?? Out of EVERYONE?? God fucking dammit! Let me read through this shit:

magnumGeopolitician [MG] began pestering  galacticGladiator [GG]

MG: uh hey.

MG: CS messaged me and said some stupid shit about "going easy on GG today" what the fuck is up with that? someone hurt your little feelings?

GG: okay firsT of aLL, This is an ugLy fucking TexT coLor jeez

GG: second of aLL, you seem Like a ToTaL dickbag 

MG: what the fuck are you talking about right now? you literally chewed me and NB out for saying that color of green was gross a few months ago and now you're agreeing with us out of nowhere? also what the fuck is up with your typing? stop that.

GG: iTs caLLed a Typing quirk dumbass

GG: aLso im noT your friend, or noT-friend cause you seem Like a douche, hes noT here righT now

MG: haha jude very funny. 

MG: what is this? you got CS on board with you to do some dumbass prank thing? well news flash: it didn't fucking work you cork.

GG: whaTs a cork

MG: what.

GG: whaT

MG: jude this isn't funny anymore, cut the shit.

GG: im noT jude you idioT

MG: okay sure. let's say i believe you. then who are you then? i know for a fact that loser doesn't have any friends that live near him. CS is that you?

GG: who's CS

GG: aLso im noT TeLLing you shiT abouT who i am

MG: okay now i know you're fucking with me, everyone knows CS. everyone.

MG: .

MG: jude.

MG: GG.

MG: dude.

galacticGladiator [GG] is an idle chum! 

MG: dude what the fuck?

Oh fuck how do I respond to this? What do I do? Just play along and be like "aw shoot my prank failed I guess haha"? No that wouldn't work because he'd message CS about it. God fucking dammit why can this troll keep his grubby little claw-hands to himself for five seconds?!

I'm snapped out of my fury by a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Dammek standing there, dad shirt, jeans, belt, boots, the whole thing. Why does it..kind of look good on him? Not in a gross gay way or anything! But like, he looks way better than I would look in that shirt, or anyone else for that matter.

"Uh, hey. I know you're like super mad about me chatting with your kismesis-buddy but can we save that anger for later? I'm really hungry right now. Pretty sure my grubscars are rumbling at this point." That..was a lot to take in. I stare at him with the most bewildered look I can manage, "Chatting with my what? Your WHAT are rumbling? What the hell are you talking about?"

Dammek groans and claws his hands in his hair, "Cultural differences yada yada, don't care. We can discuss this over food. Can we go now? Please?" He literally clasps his hands together in a begging way, jeez is he really _that_ hungry? I guess I can't refuse that. I turn to my desktop and click the off button on the monitor, MG can wait.

"Okay, yeah. Lets go." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im literally starting to write the fifth chapter rn i want to finish their epic shopping expedition soon but i also didn't want to cram too much into one chapter-
> 
> also there are two jokes worked into two of the chumhandles here  
> if any of you guess them i'll be so happy-


End file.
